Revisiting

So here I am. Back in Bellingham. But just for one day. Picking up the bits and pieces I can carry home and moving on with work and school and other plans. It's strange to revisit. I somehow get the feeling that I will never really fit in here. It was a stretch to start with. I know it wasn't because I am so unagreeable or unfriendly. Or that I didn't give it a shot. I simply know that this place wasn't right. And revisiting it sort of confirmed my thoughts. The idea of ever having to return seems unpleasant. Who knows, maybe after a year of being away I'll feel a little more warm towards thoughts of finishing my degree here. But right now, returning here has only made me feel better about leaving.

I'm frusterated at the age I am at. People say they are the best years of your life, but I look forward to moving past them. It's the time when you are the most selfish you will ever be. And as such, your peers surrounding you are a bunch of other selfish people. People are thinking about their goals and priorities. Their motivations and wants. And here I am, being selfish. Going abroad on an expensive trip, working too many hours at the office because the pay is good, walking away from any ties here and doing what I feel like when I want. It's empowering, liberating, satisfying - but hollow. Shallow. It is difficult for me to do things for myself. I'm out of practice. I mean, I do things I want to do. But I've never made big decisions like this in my life with complete disregard for how it might affect everyone else around me.

I'm so changed. Exposed to the uglier side of life for too long will do that to a person. And I hate that being more selfish and more self-involved is "the right step," the thing that everyone applauds. Oh well.

Basically, I am glad my day here is over. It makes me know I made the right choice. No swell of regret, no hesitency, or second thoughts. I thought the places around here would feel full of memory and meaning. But they don't. They are as empty to me now as they would have been full to me six months ago. It's amazing how so much can change so quickly. When you discover how wrong you were about the things that "mattered". All I see around this place is a young, foolish version of myself. Someone who entered college happy and with everything going for her and emerged depressed and unimpressed with what college revealed. And as I have changed and will continue to change, I know it is time to ship out. Maybe for good. All I can think about is how a simple night driving up my road and admiring the mountains fills me more than every sight in this city. But perhaps there will be more to discover.

Goodnight, yesterday.