The Resolutions

Oh my, oh my. Another year has come and gone. So now it is time--the resolutions.

One year I think I had about thirty listed. Well, I think i maybe achieved about 2 things on the list. So this year it is all about simplicity. I'm narrowing it down to my top three:

1. Be Generous

As a college student, I don't really have a lot to share. But I think life is better when you share what you do have, and sharing isn't really about money.

2. Be Active

This year I want to strike a balance between work and play. It seems like last year I worked a lot more than many other people around me. My life is always active, but I want to be active doing things I enjoy.

3. Random Acts of Kindness

I used to do this more but somehow got a bit out of the habit. I need to remember to show the people that I care about that I appreciate them.

Oh....and I really should work on eating less bread.

How does this year stack up? It was a big year. This year was a little bit of everything. It was dynamic. Overwhelming. Devastating. Exciting. Fun. Introspective. Confusing.

So...Goodbye, 2007. I have a feeling 2008 will be another dynamic year.

Wanting to Stay

I will miss a lot of things. I know that this will be an adventure. But when things are good, it's hard to walk away. I just need to get there, to be happy, and to realize that this is indeed a good thing. It will be okay.

V is for Vanish

How heavy is the bag I carry, you ask?

I'm not really sure. I've been carrying it a while.

I needed change this semester. I had to drop everything and look at my life. Who I had become. Acknowledge what was happening to me and my family. Recognize what was happening to my body. Remember events that never should have taken place.

When you hit rock bottom you are embarrassed by what you discover. And even though you want to hold someone's hand, you don't want anyone to see where you have ended up. You feel like nobody would ever want to be friends with someone so weak, damaged, bitter, selfish, and unhappy. You want people to see the best of you. Pity makes you even more aware of your unfortunate situation.

I had to disappear. I needed a fresh start, I needed the people who knew me not to know how bad things were. I needed to vanish so I could reappear in one piece. I needed time to collect my mind. To be absent from a world I no longer could participate in. I had to cut ties. I had to pick myself up and be better.

People should understand this. If they can't live with this, they can live without me. The version of myself I became was something that I could only trust to those who knew me very best. If people think that my vanishing act was something personal against them-- a vindictive move against people who were once close to me -- they really must not know me very well or be very good friends. Why would it have anything to do with you? For once I had to do whatever it was I needed. I needed this.


People should worry less about how they factor into other people's equations, especially when they aren't sure what sort of variables one is working with. People should also talk about other people less. But when you do the math--it's easier to criticize others' flaws than admit to our own. Plus it can make our flaws appear less damaging.


So rather than assume my wickedness and selfishness, it would be nice if I could be given the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not ready to reappear.

My bag is still very heavy.

But I'm not ready to let you take some of the weight.