Learning to Walk

Could I live in just one moment? Could I stop time and breathe through the past? Could I leave this place of changing leaves and rusting locks and bask in my moments of happiness?

I'm rusting too. And I would give anything to turn back. Learning to walk is too hard. Starting over is lonely.

Wigs

Hm. Can't quite get around obvious wigs. There are two bad wigs on the floor on which I work. Both unfortunate. Men go bald. Bald is better than a bad wig.

Bellingham, Northfield, Anchorage

What an insane week. I've been to Bellingham, back for two days, and then off to Northfield Minnesota for 5 days. Yay for traveling, but nay for bad planes and red eye flights. I really should have taken pictures in Northfield. St. Olaf's campus is gorgeous. Makes me maybe begin to slightly fathom paying near $40,000 a year tuition. Almost. It reminds me of a little village on a hill. Which is basically what it is. Since everyone is required to live on campus, the residence life has a much different feel to it. The older kids get segreated off in nicer dorms where supervision is low-key (aka non-existent). They have cute cafes and restaurants and nothing ever feels crowded.

It was my best friend Carrie's birthday. 21 years old! I got to see Carrie for five days which was amazing. I got to go to a bar, which was neat. And I played some amazing intoxicated scrabble which was also neat. I don't remember any of the words I put down. But I think it may be for the best.

I got to go to Carrie's private vocal lesson which was extremely cool. I'm so proud of what she has accomplished in music. Her friends were all very sweet and I got the feeling that I could fit in there.

Exciting news-excting news-I've basically been accepted into the NW Cadiz study abroad program! Woot!!!!! Within the next week or so I will know the final word. And then....only three months until I am off to Espana! Which means in about a month or so I'm off to San Fransico to apply for my student visa. The traveling will not stop! But now--it is time for shower, homework, dinner and sleep. What a whirl of a week. But I'm glad to be cozy at home.

Beautiful Midwest

People in the midwest are attractive. Maybe its all the Scandanavian genes. I don't know. But people are attractive here.

Disappeared

Sometimes there is nothing more filling that wrapping up in a blanket, switching on a lamp, opening a book, and appreciating the stillness around you. I'm finding more and more comfort in solitude. Taking time in the morning to lay for five minutes and look out my window or just listen to the sound of the wind. To watch a single, individual leaf for one minute. To quietly enjoy the soft pillow beneath my head, the hum of the heater, and the safe stillness of the flowers in my quilt.

The early morning commute to town. My hands on the smooth steering wheel as I sip my morning coffee. I drive through the changing leaves, the surrounding red mountains. The smell of fall is everywhere. Intoxicatingly crisp but laced with decay. The smell of dying leaves and the brisk morning air. It's a delicious nutty fragrance. Crunchy green lawns blanketed with yellow leaves. Kids waiting at the bus stop with their tuba cases and skinny legs.

I've been experiencing such moments of beauty lately, that I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books. A boy tells his brother that he wishes he could get away for a while. That if life were a bolt of cloth he snip out all the scary nights, all the unpleasant dreams and take only the best experiences and weave them together into a coat. I wish I could do the same. I wish I could take all my most beautiful memories, stitch them together into a giant coat, drape it around me, and live happy always.

Revisiting

So here I am. Back in Bellingham. But just for one day. Picking up the bits and pieces I can carry home and moving on with work and school and other plans. It's strange to revisit. I somehow get the feeling that I will never really fit in here. It was a stretch to start with. I know it wasn't because I am so unagreeable or unfriendly. Or that I didn't give it a shot. I simply know that this place wasn't right. And revisiting it sort of confirmed my thoughts. The idea of ever having to return seems unpleasant. Who knows, maybe after a year of being away I'll feel a little more warm towards thoughts of finishing my degree here. But right now, returning here has only made me feel better about leaving.

I'm frusterated at the age I am at. People say they are the best years of your life, but I look forward to moving past them. It's the time when you are the most selfish you will ever be. And as such, your peers surrounding you are a bunch of other selfish people. People are thinking about their goals and priorities. Their motivations and wants. And here I am, being selfish. Going abroad on an expensive trip, working too many hours at the office because the pay is good, walking away from any ties here and doing what I feel like when I want. It's empowering, liberating, satisfying - but hollow. Shallow. It is difficult for me to do things for myself. I'm out of practice. I mean, I do things I want to do. But I've never made big decisions like this in my life with complete disregard for how it might affect everyone else around me.

I'm so changed. Exposed to the uglier side of life for too long will do that to a person. And I hate that being more selfish and more self-involved is "the right step," the thing that everyone applauds. Oh well.

Basically, I am glad my day here is over. It makes me know I made the right choice. No swell of regret, no hesitency, or second thoughts. I thought the places around here would feel full of memory and meaning. But they don't. They are as empty to me now as they would have been full to me six months ago. It's amazing how so much can change so quickly. When you discover how wrong you were about the things that "mattered". All I see around this place is a young, foolish version of myself. Someone who entered college happy and with everything going for her and emerged depressed and unimpressed with what college revealed. And as I have changed and will continue to change, I know it is time to ship out. Maybe for good. All I can think about is how a simple night driving up my road and admiring the mountains fills me more than every sight in this city. But perhaps there will be more to discover.

Goodnight, yesterday.

Effortless

A few nights ago I felt overwhelmed by everything. Work was crazy, home life was crazy, and I was beginning to think that I was crazy for uprooting everything and moving back to Alaska. Going away to Europe for six months? Coming back to my parents house? In two days I had completely turned my life upside down. So I went for a drive. The streets were empty which is one thing I love about Eagle River. I drove up the valley and as I turned a corner looked towards the sillouhette of the mountains against the sky. It was the most beautiful sky I have ever seen. It looked like a painting, like something out of a fairy tale. The sky was a dark navy blue, the stars were glittering, and thin transparant clouds swirled among the twinkling lights. Like feathers and jewels strewn accross an deepm inky canvas. I was overcome by its beauty, overwhelmed by the fact that something so beautiful naturally and effortlessly exists. A wide smile was on my face and I felt warm tears stream down my cheeks. I had to pull over and stop my car. I felt overcome with gratitude to be exactly where I was at that exact moment in time. I was laughing and crying. Effortlessly, marvelously, excruciatingly happy. How amazing it is that such beauty exists simply for us to admire.

And I knew that I would be okay.

Naked Reading

I do love to read naked.

I don't know why, but it has become my recent Saturday morning obcession. I take a long shower and afterwards crawl into bed without clothing and read. Usually for about an hour. Sometimes I fall asleep, but I am usually up and no longer naked by about 10:30. So I allow the habit to continue. There is something about smelling fresh and being warm from the shower and curling up in bed. I don't know. But everyone should read naked (preferably within the privacy of their home). Today was the heart walk so I was deprived of my early morning ritual.

Cold. COLD. and very rainy. That's how the heart walk was. Afterwards I bought my mother a birthday present and then took a long warm shower...and oh my....read naked.

I Speak Too Soon

The planets did indeed align. But good lord. Spain had better be pretty amazing because what I am putting myself through now is not. 20-25 hours of work a week plus 4 classes and a correspondence course.

And then there is that one little detail I decided to solve after I completely rearranged my life. Where I would live. I figured, "Oh I'll find something decent around town for four or six months."

WRONG.

Renting in Anchorage is TERRIBLE. I mean...really, really QUITE bad. I went and looked at some apartments last weekend. They make me shiver just thinking about them. Shifty, dirty hallways. Damp, dingy smelling rooms. Broken down appliances. And all this can be YOURS for just $700!

Kill me. If I want to rent anything nice it's going to cost me a pretty penny. $900 or more. And flexible leases are tricky to swing.

I know a lot of friends that are living at home for a while to save money. I wish I could be one of those kids. But I cannot survive here. I will wilt. My family doesn't eat edible food. And I actually mean that. I'm not too picky. Welcome to the land of insta-food. Cup of noodles, easy mac, soup at hand...where is the actual food? Well there are a few tv dinner's in the frig f you are REALLY hungry.

There is one one living room and it is constantly inhabitated. My room is the size of a shoebox. If I leave my room I am bombarded by constant inquiries about my life and school and my feelings. When I come home from 6 hours of work and 4 hours of school I have nothing to say. Nothing. I want to eat something to eat something that is indeed food, take a run around the block, do my studying, and go to bed. I don't have time for "So is that class going to be really hard?" "Have you figured out your transcripts yet?' "Did you call that program coordinator?" "What? You won't be here for dinner?" Yes. No. Yes. Not enough time. Yes! No! LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't even have enough time in my normal day to make a phone call let alone figure every single detail of my life out. I eat while running errands and make phone calls while driving through traffic. I am that person that doesn't have a single moment to think, breathe, do anything until I walk in the door of the house at 6:00. So for god's sake. I know all of you haven't been going for over ten hours but some people have. I absolutely have to find somewhere to live. 4.5 months. I can do this. It is worth it. Save me.

And the Plants Aligned

Sometimes life pulls you in a different direction.

A relationship that was deeply important to me did not work out. There. I said it.

But from this blunderous summer I believe I have managed to create something beautiful. I will not be returning to Western Washington this year. And sure, part of it has to do with my recent breakup. But more importantly, by not returning to Western I will be giving myself the opportunity to go abroad. I have wanted to go abroad for a very long time. I never knew how to afford going abroad while going to Western, or how to hold on to a lease while abroad for half of the year. And I admit, I was in a relationship that I didn't want to risk loosing over going away from several months. Now that relationship is over and I realize how silly it was to ever let it hold me back.

So I thought...alright. I'm going. It's now or never-I only have one year left until I graduate. So I would have to go Spring semester. That means I would be able to go to Western for one quarter before I leave. I would set up my apartment and buy furniture for it just to be leaving in two and a half months. The odds of someone subletting my place for winter and spring are less likely then if I put it up for rent now.

And then I thought long and hard about it. Practically, it makes more sense for me to stay a semester at UAA. I need the money. But I didn't really want to stay at UAA. And I really thought I was too late. Classes from UAA started Monday and it was already Thursday. So I decided I would only stay at UAA for a semester under the following conditions: I can keep working part-time at VECO, I can register for things that I need at UAA without really transfering, and that my apartment quickly was rented.

Step one: part-time job at VECO. Within an hour I was approved by the president of the company for up to twenty hours a week on the intern pay-scale (and by intern pay scale I mean chi-ching chi-ching). I get to pick my own hours and they are moving me into a nice, new workspace.

Step two: sublet the apartment. I was flooded by calls an hour after I posted the apartment on craigslist. A wonderful girl that has already rented from my property mangement company called and told me that she had seen the inside of the studio I am renting out and would love to take over the lease. I called my property management company and they told me that she was a good friend of the manager of my building and that there shouldn't be a problem approving her. She has agreed to pay in full for the deposit and told me that she would contact me first if she ever was moving out to see if I would like the apartment back.

Step three: contact UAA. They told me I was still in their system and required no transcript from me. They let me sign up for all the upper-division classes I needed.

And within two days it was all settled: work, apartment, and classes. I registered on Thursday and went to school that evening. And once I arrived I discovered an old friend of mine in the class. And as I drove home that night there was an enormous, perfect rainbow across Eagle River Valley. What a cheesy good omen.

I've already gotten in touch with some friends that are still in Eagle River. And it is wonderful to sit and talk with familiar people that are from the same place I am. This morning I sat in the coffee shop and flipped through my new textbooks and got the most overwhelming feeling that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

It's been a while since the planets have aligned for me. But I've had this feeling before. Good things will follow.