Wading and Wanting

I think I'm drowning in my desires.

To be independent. To be loved and certain. To be sure and safe. To know what is coming next.

I want to make plans. I want to be excited about them. I want to wake up with a sense of purpose.

I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't ask for more.

I have a family that loves me. More material goods than any one person needs. I have friends, a boyfriend...

So why am do I feel like I am drowning in all of these wants?

I try to keep things in perspective. I wake up and remind myself to be cheerful. To just keep going. Do things. Try. Stimulate myself. Read. Music. Movies. Writing. But even why I try to fill myself with things. I feel empty.

So I tell myself to push through it. It will get better. This is just a phase.

But my last years of high school were a phase.

And college was a phase with a calendar countdown marking my departure.